There are certain realities that you have to face when dealing with the impending death of a loved one.....and this post will be about mine.
From the ages of 16 to about 23, my relationship with my Dad was...
and pretty much
That is not any easy thing to admit to..
and it does not mean that I did not love him during this time, or that he did not love me.
Although, I think we both forgot that at times...
Hurt occurred on both sides through words and actions.
Invitations were not issued, offers were not made, promises were broken, and time was not spent together.
At our worst, it was like a field of land mines, a small misstep would lead to a large disaster.
Near the end of our troubles, without explaining to him why I was doing what I did, I did not speak to him for nearly 6 months. I had to break the cycle of our behavior. Looking back, especially after we talked about it later, I should of told him that was the reason why, but I did not have the tools at the time to do so.. I just needed the hurt to stop......
We, then, started the long, slow and sometimes very awkward process of rebuilding our relationship. It had some starts and stops, but once we got real about the core issues of what had been going on, it got better.
I'm not going to go into the details, somethings are meant to stay private, but I am telling this because in dealing with his illness and impending death, I have been dragged back into the past by my self consciousness and find myself envious (I know, it's not my finest moment) of those in my Dad's life whose relationships seem (at least to me) simpler and without the drama.
There are things you can wish for...
that are never going to happen.
I can not go back in time and not say the words or feel the emotions that I did,
nor can my Dad, to avoid the time spent apart.
What I am trying to focus on is this....
We rebuilt our relationship, essentially from scratch, to form the bond we have today. It is stronger than it was, because it is more honest than it was.
I am immensely proud of that fact and I know that he was too.
So that is my bad,
that I accept along with the good....