I'm not really sure how it has happened, but it has been a year since my Dad died.
How is that even possible?
Time, this year, has passed with light speed and dragged like it was going through cold molasses,
and yet here I am a year later..
Grief has been an interesting journey as I dealt with, survived and slogged through this year of firsts. I have found that on the major days, birthdays, holidays and this anniversary, I go quiet. I start avoiding looking at the pictures of him I have in my room and on my phone and I avoid Facebook and other social sites for the same reason. In fact, I'm writing this in advance, because I know I need to express this, but as the actual date approaches (February 5), I will retreat into quiet.
The quiet is what is right for me....
at first, I tried to fight it, but I learned that if I just accept and flow through the quiet, I come out on the other side with new insights and peace that I didn't have before and if I don't fight it, it only lasts a day or so..
For the rest of the time, your help, advice and support has been right. It's a mix and a balance and I'm sure that he would of been proud of me for finding this balance and making it through.
In the past year, I have found photos I had forgotten about of the two of us and have framed a couple of them and have them on my dresser where I see them daily. My one true regret is that I was often behind the camera or avoided having my picture taken with my Dad because I didn't like my hair or I thought I looked fat or some other reason... WHY? Why did I let my insecurities get in the way of a memory? It is a mistake that I am fixing with those still in my life...
One of the weirder thing that caused me grief until I had to let it go was his number in my phone and on my favorites list. I can not tell you how many times that I had a question for him and dialed his number and it wasn't until I hit dial that I would remember and then get clobbered by grief.... Ironically, once I took his number off his phone, it didn't hurt as much and I started a new ritual. I asked him anyway. Quietly, in my head, and then I listen.... I generally get an answer pretty quick and I hear his voice in my head as I do, and you know what, the answer has been right and exactly what I needed.
And that is when I realized the most important thing of this year of grief....
he is still with me
and I am still his daughter.
Love your daughter....